Currently Playing Has Been By William Shatner Common People see related

America Blows

(An Objective Analysis)

It’s official. All the votes are in…America blows. Let me reiterate: AMERICA BLOWS HARD. Now, we don’t mean to say that America blows in the way that, say Uganda blows. Uganda has always blown and always will blow, far into the foreseeable future. No, America blows like the sequels to the Matrix blow. So much potential…so much promise…then KRAKA-DOOM!...we reelect a troglodyte and piss on the rights of millions of Americans.

Alright, we know, you’re all saying “It’s ONLY the South that Blows!” Now, we don’t entirely disagree. No doubt, the South blows twice as hard as cancer. But we here in the North are just as responsible for allowing their bass-ackwards values to become so prevalent in our society. WE could have let them leave in ’65. PRESERVE the union? What the fuck was Lincoln thinking? Any reasonable president would have said something along the lines of, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, Ass-hats!” What has the South ever added to American Culture? Segregation? NASCAR?  Anyway, all we’re saying is, the South is useless, and the North is even worse for not razing it completely after the Civil War. Look, just nuke the South from orbit…it’s the only way to be sure. End result: America Blows.

In the grand spirit of American defeatism, we here at BoCoW are researching immigration to Canada, a country with an average blow-quotient significantly less than our own. To illustrate exactly how much America blows (a lot) we here at BoCoW have collected a colorful assortment of facts, opinions, and outright lies contrasting America and Canada. Enjoy:

               Canada                       VS                       USA

1. WAR- Canada kicked our nancy asses in the War of 1812. During this war, a group of badass Canadians hopped the border and BURNED THE WHITEHOUSE TO THE GROUND. How awesome is that? One objection: Canadians, you’re getting soft. When was the last time you burned the Whitehouse to the ground? It’s been almost 200 years. As far as we’re concerned, you’re FOUR YEARS OVERDO.

2. HEALTHCARE- The Canadian system of universal healthcare is glorious. There has been a lot of whining about high taxes, but how can anyone put a price on human health? Anyway, it turns out that Canadians actually pay around $2000 less every year for healthcare than Americans. The average life expectancy in the US is 77.43 years, whereas in Canada it is 79.96. How can anyone argue with those numbers? Canada is simply a better place to live. Also Canadians DON’T TOLERATE SMOKERS. Apparently. It surprised us, too. Did that Mountie kill that guy? For SMOKING? Christ.

3. GAY RIGHTS- These last elections have proven how Americans from all walks of life can come together in their inappropriate fear and revulsion of homosexuals. The constitutional bans on Gay Marriage passed in all eleven states. Canada, on the other hand, has been progressing steadily in the area of gay rights for years. Over half of the Canadian Provinces now have laws allowing for homosexual marriage.  By contrast, the Gay Marriage ban passed by more than 90% in Louisiana. Big surprise there, nothing but morally illuminated citizens in ‘Louisiana: Homeland of Cockfighting and Gatorfucking.’

4. NATIVES: American’s have long pursued a proud tradition of KILLING EVERY INDIAN possible. Canada, on the other hand, has apparently treated Indians with the utmost respect. For my evidence, I offer you this ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPH of a Mountie and the last great Apache Chief. Or something.

(Apologies to Maddox)

5. ONE BADASS WORD: Lumberjacks         ONE SPURIOUS WORD: Rednecks

We have invited some Canadian and Right-Wing Bloggers here to discuss the cultural relevance of our post. Please make them welcome. Please feel free to express any views you might have for or against our position, but as comment space is limited, we do reserve the right to delete any uslessly spurious comments (Irrelevant Flames). ENJOY!

Currently Reading The Forever War By Joe Haldeman see related

The long awaited post from BoCoW is almost HERE!!!!

Check back WEDNESDAY NIGHT for the real post...sorry to get your hopes up...not really, it makes me warm inside.--Austin

Currently Playing Tree By Gaelic Storm Johnny Tarr see related

THIS IS AN ADDENDUM: If you have not read our previous post, please scroll down and read it first. You will not be disappointed! (Though you may, perhaps, be offended.)

We were forced to make an addendum to our previous post, because the comments topped out at less than 400. Lousy Xanga, someday we will get our own website....with hookers.....and blackjack...in fact, forget the website. 

THE ULTIMATE BOCOW CHALLENGE: CRISIS ON INFINITE BOCOW!

There has already been an endless illegal discussion of the New Testament. I guess it is difficult for Christians to separate the two testaments. This is all perfectly understandable, but NOW is the proper time for the discussion of the New Testament. It has been often claimed that the God of the New Testament is a kinder, more gentle God. This is one of the most prevalent misconceptions of Christianity. However, the New Testament brings with it an idea more cruel than anything imaginable in the Old Testament: the idea of an eternal Hell. I foresee much resistance to the idea that Hell is a uniquely Christian concept. Yes, the English word "Hell" appears multiple times in some translations of the Old Testament: the Hebrew words most certainly did not mean what we imagine Hell to mean today. The IDEA of an eternal Hell is not present in modern or ancient Judaism. Ask the average Jew whether or not they believe in an eternal Hell, they will almost certainly tell you they do not. 

BoCow has a new challenge for the Christian world! We hereby promise to recant everything we have thus far stated if anyone can successfully complete the following challenge. But first, we must all agree to two premises.

1. The torture of human beings is inherently evil.

2. The Christian God subjects billions of souls to eternal torture.

I realize that the bulk of responses will taken up be in objecting one of these two premises (or both!). However, I feel that both premises hold up to reasonable scrutiny and are commonly held beliefs. The reason this direct conflict goes so unnoticed in Christian minds is called Cognitive Dissonance.

Here is our Ultimate BoCow Challenge: find, in all of the annals of Superman Comics, a Supervillian who has had a more diabolical plan than the eternal torture of billions of human souls. YES, this challenge ignores any good things that God may have done. YES, this challenge ignores the so called "special rights" of a creator to torture his creation. YES, this challenge ignores the idea that humans can allegedly "choose" between Heaven and Hell. Ultimately, God has set up a plan in which the eternal torture of humans is inevitable. We do not really wish to debate this point (though many will try). What we'd like is for the Christians of the world to prove that their God is not more diabolical than the MOST diabolical SUPERVILLIAN, by providing a simple example. This is not a debate of the overall accomplishments or the average good/evil done by these individuals. We are no longer asking your God to compete with the superior morality of Superman; we realize this is unfair. Simply find a SUPERVILLIAN PLAN that is more diabolical than the Christian Hell (torturing billions for eternity), and we PROMISE to RECANT our heathen views.  Good Luck!

PS: Next week, a break from religion! We promise!

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Bocow™

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Austin and Jordan

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We here at Bocow are saddened at the recent death of Atheist actor Christopher Reeve. In light of this recent national tragedy, we have written a tribute that we have taken to calling: Superman Vs. God (An Objective Analysis). In this analysis, we will try to objectively determine which is the superior higher being. Of course, a physical battle between Superman and God would be lopsided and anticlimactic (surely Superman would rip Him in half like a phonebook), so we have decided to make this a battle of competing ideologies. We here at Bocow pose the age-old question (and even supply the answer!)…Who is more moral: Superman or God? The answer may surprise you…if you haven’t read the Bible.

Out of respect to the three major monotheistic religions (Islam, Christianity, and Judaism) we have limited our analysis to the group of writings that they all share in common: what the Christians call the “Old Testament” and the Jews call the Tanakh. We here at Bocow recognize that the message of the New Testament can be viewed as less-harsh. We would like to be upfront in saying “tough shit.” If someone can’t get their point across in 2,000 pages, I’d say it’s time to take a cue from Tolstoy’s flaccid corpse and stop writing.

Out of fairness, we have limited our analysis of Superman to what comic nerds will recognize as “Post-Crisis” or Silver-age Superman. It could be argued that the pre-crisis Superman was infinitely more powerful, however, that is not the Superman that most of us are familiar with. If any comic book nerds seriously have a problem with this: don’t worry, there’s still plenty of anime to masturbate to.

As a final note before the analysis, because it is a major sin to depict the Deity pictorially in all three religions, we here at Bocow were forced to draw our own rendition of God from accounts taken from Biblical as well as extra-biblical sources. We have tried to stay as close to the source material as possible, but we in no way claim ours’ to be an authentic representation of the Judeo-Christian Deity.

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               Superman   Vs.    God

                                                                                                                        (Artist Rendering)

                                        (An Objective Analysis)

               1.   Regularly saves the earth                                  1.   Drowned the Earth out of spite

       from catastrophe                                                                                  

     2.   Refuses to kill anyone                                         2.  Kills innocent children to

                                                                                prove a  point   

    3.   Humble servant of mankind                               3.   Demands worship                                                                                                                                                    

                      4.   Puts on his goofy costume                               4.   Doesn’t do shit around here, anymore

                             to go out and help people every day                                                                                       

               5.   Created Fortress of Solitude (Badass)             5.  Created this shit-hole of a world

6.  Has a weakness to Kryptonite                          6.  Has a weakness to Iron

            (Rare)                                                              (Prevelant)

     7.  Two Words--- LASER. EYES.                            7.  Two Words--- JACK. CHICK.

Edited to add: Thank you all for your responses. We just added bible-verse links to a number of the words on the right, to better explain our points to those who haven't read the Old Testament. Each highlighted word is a seperate link. You may have to read the whole chapter to get a better understanding of the context, but at least now you can see where we are coming from. Secondly, we LOVE getting dissenting responses from Christians. We here at BoCow believe that intellegent discussion and rational thought are the apex of human existence. That said, please try to focus your comments into a rational critisism of our analysis. It is all well and good to say "God wins in my heart," but that kind of subjective statement does a great deal in limiting rational discussion. We will most definately be responding to as many comments as we can, so be sure to check back often! We will also be updating with an addendum in a few days!

Post Script: For all of those who have asked, BoCow is an acronyme for Book of Convergence of Wisdom. In retrospect, it seems we're missing an obvious pun about sacred cows, so any help will be appreciated. 

PPS: There seems to be confusion as to our purpose, so I will try to explain. We are indeed Atheists. We do not believe in the concrete existence of EITHER Superman or the Judeo-Christian God. We are simply examining the morality of both characters as recorded in their respective texts. Regardless of your religious persausion, our arguments have value in themselves. Please try to examine the characters of God and Superman without any prejudice. Also, if you are going to be a Christian apologist (whom we love) please try to have at least cursory knowledge of the books of the Old Testament. Thanks!

PPPS: Also, for now, try to limit your comments to discussing the same Old Testament God that we have been describing. Christianity will come into play in next week's post, I promise! Have patience, people!

Also, make time to read these landmark essays in Freethinking. Verily, I say unto you that you are not strong Christians or Atheists until you have read Bertand Russel and Robert Ingersol.